I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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