If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
