he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
