I wish my penis had an off switch
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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