i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
