I am midnight drunk by noon
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
