so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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