i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
