Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
