I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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