can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
