I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
