Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
