I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
