Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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