I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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