I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
