saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
