How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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