No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I lost the right to judge tonight
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
