your parents love me but you hate me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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