she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
