I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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