the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
