the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
