i love accidental penises.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
