I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
