I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
