Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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