the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
