He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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