I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
