chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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