Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
