So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
