I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
