Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
