No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
