we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
