I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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