i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
