so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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