I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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