don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
