So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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