I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
