my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
