They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
