ugly people sure do ruin things
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
