apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize