I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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