he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
