The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
