My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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