Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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