I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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