drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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