He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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