Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
