I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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