Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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